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Here is a collection of jokes from the newsletter. Have a read and hold your sides! Oh and if you fancy getting these to your inbox everyweek sign up to the planet science newsletter.
There are some symbols to guide you through the jokes in the collection:
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Joke set in a pub or bar |
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Joke requiring specialized science knowledge (so there won’t be many of these icons) |
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Slightly suggestive joke, Matron! |
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A terrible groaner (as opposed to all the others which are just groaners) |
so without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen we are proud (what?) to present…
THE PLANET SCIENCE NEWSLETTER JOKE OF THE WEEK COLLECTION
 LIGHTBULBS
Q. How many kite flyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. As many as you need ........ no strings attached.
Q. How many astronomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None! They're not afraid of the dark
Q. How many antelopes does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.
Q. How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Q. How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.
Q. How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.
Q. How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A. This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete, pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
 FIVE-LINE RHYMES
There was a young lady called Bright
Whose speed was far faster than light
She went out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
There once was an atom of flourine
That wished it really was chlorine
It got a reaction
And changed a fraction
But now it's become quite borine!!
Tribute to Orville and Wilbur Wright and their 1903 triumph:
There were two brothers named Wright
Who made the world's first controlled flight
They flew in 'The Flyer'
And went higher and higher
They must have been quite a sight!
Tribute to all the scientists involved in space exploration and to Science Fiction writers inspired by them:
An Alien landed on Earth
And said, "What's this spaceship worth?
It shines up a treat
And I keep it quite neat
Only one careful owner since birth!"
Tribute to Thomas Crapper who invented the first flush toilet which he installed in Royal Households:
There was a man named Crapper
Who was by all accounts dapper
He invented the flush
For the Royals, a must
That clever dapper Crapper!
Tribute to Isaac Newton:
Old Isaac's well known it is said
'Cos an apple dropped down on his head,
His calculus showed
As thoughts freely flowed
It was gravity falling like lead.
Tribute to Samuel P. Langley, 1834-1906
This one’s actually funny!
Oh Langley invented the bolometer,
Which is really a kind of thermometer.
It will measure the heat
In a polar bear's feet
From a distance of half a kilometer
Tribute to George Fitzgerald, 1851-1901
A fencing instructor named Frisk
Is in motion exceedingly brisk.
Because of his action
The Fitzgerald contraction
Foreshortens his foil to a disc!
 LIMBERING UP FOR A LAUGH
Two sprinters are training for the 100 metres race.
One says to the other: "You won't believe this, but I've just run 100 metres in 10 seconds."
The other says: "But that's impossible, that's the world record."
The first replies: "Aha, but I took a short cut..."
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"Why doesn't Robin play cricket?"
"Because he lost his bat, man"
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Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.
The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?"
God replies, "In the next five years."
"But I'll be dead by then..." says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Liverpool next win the European Cup?"
The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years".
"But I'll be dead by then..." says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Everton win the Premier League?"
God answers," I'll be dead by then!"
The professional at a posh golf club is always challenging the club members to a game, and loves to bet and take as much money off them as possible.
One day one of the members comes in to the clubhouse with a gorilla.
"I've been training him to play golf," he says, "and we'd like to challenge you - bet you £1000 the gorilla wins."
"You're on," says the pro.
The day of the match arrives and all parties are ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro tees off and the ball lands some 270 yards away.
The gorilla lumbers up to the tee. He places the ball on the ground and takes a mighty swing at it. The ball rockets off the clubface and flies through the air 100, 200, 300, 400... 500... 575 yards. It stops just 5 inches from the hole.
The pro freaks out as it looks like he's going to lose his bet very speedily. He makes an excuse about having urgent business to attend to and gathers up his clubs. As they're walking away from the tee, an admiring observer asks the gorilla's owner, "How does he putt?"
"The same as he drives," comes the reply, "about 575 yards".
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.
"Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff. Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a break, passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner. But Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try."
"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," said Peter, before disappearing to look it up. When he came back he said: "Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all This happen?"
The ref looked at his watch and replied "45 seconds ago."
Q. What do you get if you cross a football team with an ice cream?
A. Aston Vanilla
Q. What football team does Frankenstein’s monster support?
A. Bolt-On Wanderers
Our local football team played a cup match against a team whose pitch was made out of broken-up bricks. We won on aggregate.
A mummy zebra and a baby zebra were chatting one day and the baby zebra said: "Mummy I really want to support Charlton Athletic, can I, please?"
To which the mummy zebra replied:
"No darling, you have to support Newcastle United, like the rest of us"
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
A man signs up with a personal trainer at the gym.
"Can you teach me to do the splits?" he asks.
The trainer replies, "How flexible are you?"
"I can't do Thursdays."
Q. Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of trousers?
A. In case he got a hole in one!
Q. What illness martial arts experts catch?
A. Kung Flu!
Q. What’s green and if it falls out of a tree it can hurt you?
A. A snooker table.
A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.
“It's going fine,” the manager says. “When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!”
“Really? What happens then?” the secretary asks. “Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!”
 MAKE A MEAL OF IT
Q. What’s worse than finding a slug in your sandwich?
A. Finding half a slug!
Q. Will my burger be long?
A. No, it’ll be round
Q. How much is a pint?
A. 568 ml
| Two peanuts walks into a bar - one was assaulted (a salted!). |
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Q. Why do potatoes make such good detectives?
A. Because they always have their eyes peeled.
Q. What did the grape say when he got trodden on?
A. Nothing, he just gave a little wine!
Q. Why did the French farmer only keep the one chicken?
A. Because in France, one egg is un oeuf!
Q. Why did the reporter walk into the ice cream shop?
A. Because he wanted a scoop
Q. Why did the pupil eat her homework?
A. Because the teacher told her it was a piece of cake.
Q. What did the cannibal order from the takeaway?
A. Pizza with everyone on it.
Q. What do invisible babies drink?
A. Evaporated milk.
A friend got some vinegar stuck in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help out though when one evening his father appeared with two colleagues from the office.
Everyone had dinner together, and dessert was caramel tart. Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first slice of tart. His father passed it to one of the guests. Little Johnny then went and brought in a second piece of tart and again gave it to his father, who passed it to the other guest.
”It’s no use, Dad,” said Little Johnny, exasperated, “The pieces are all the same size…"
Did you hear about the chicken farm that was breeding chickens with four legs so that each member of the family could have a leg? The research was going well but they had a devil of a job catching the chickens!
A ham sandwich goes into a pub and says, "Barman I need a drink"; and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
Did you hear about the great new restaurant on the moon?
The food is excellent, but there's no atmosphere.
Have you heard of the garlic diet?
-You don't lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends think you look thinner.
A couple went out for a Chinese meal. They spent several minutes perusing the menu before finally agreeing to try the chef's special, Hakka Chicken Surprise, which was served in a lidded, cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife was about to start on the meal, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady little eyes peering out at her before the lid slammed back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she exclaimed!
The husband hadn’t so she asked him to look in the pot.
Just as he started reaching for it, the lid again rose for a brief instant and two beady little eyes glared out before the lid slammed back down.
Not believing what he'd just seen, he started to reach for the pot again. Once again the lid rose for an instant, two beady little eyes glared out and then the lid slammed down.
Perturbed, he called the waiter over and demanded an explanation.
"What did you order?" asked the waiter.
"We ordered the Hakka Chicken Surprise," the husband replied.
"Ah!" exclaimed the waiter, "So sorry. My mistake. I thought you ordered the ..."
(all together now)
Peeking Duck.
The Backseat Cook
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh for goodness sake! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh no! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!!!!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
A man went into a department store and asked an assistant, "Do you sell potato clocks?"
"Potato clocks, sir? I'm not sure what you mean," replied the assistant.
"Well," came the explanation, "I'm always being late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got-a-potato-clock ...."
A guy walks into a coat-and-tie-only restaurant and asks to be seated. The waiter says, "Sir, you don't have a coat or a tie."
So, the guy goes out to his truck and gets a jacket. When he comes back in, he asks, "May I be seated?"
The waiter replies, "Sir, you don't have a tie."
So, the guy goes back out to his truck and puts some jump leads around his neck. He comes back in and says, "Now may I be seated?"
The waiter says, "OK, but don't go trying to start something."
 HAPPY FAMILIES
Q. Why should you look after your relatives in a curry house?
A. "In case your nan falls in to a korma"
Q. Why don't robots have brothers?
A. Because they all have trans-sisters!
A woman walks into an optician to return a pair of spectacles that she purchased for her husband a week before.
The assistant asks, "What seems to be the problem, Madam?"
The woman replies, "I'm returning these spectacles I bought for my husband.
He's still not seeing things my way."
NB the gender roles can be switched around for re-telling that one!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The bus driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A policeman in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the High Street at 110mph.
"But officer," the man stutters, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snaps the policeman, "You were 80mph over the speed limit. You can cool your heels in the cells until the Superintendent gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."
"I said keep quiet! I. Don't. Want. to. Hear. It. Understand?"
A few hours later the officer looks in on his prisoner and says, "Lucky
for you the Superintendent's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answers the motorist, "I'm the groom."
"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"
A poor man and woman were sitting in their living room when the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, that's lovely dear, you're taking me for a drink ...''
''No," replied the man, "I'm turning the heating off.''
An elderly couple walks into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries, and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip, and then he sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they're just fine -- they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers, "THE TEETH".
A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."
"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us £2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."
"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady who had just got married - for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife snook up behind him and smacked him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asked, 'What was that for?'
She replied, 'What was that piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'
He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?'
She answered, 'Your horse called.'
 ANIMAL MAGIC
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
Two monkeys are in a bathroom, filling up a bath.
One monkey climbs in and goes "Ooo ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh oooh"
The second monkey says, "Why don't you put some cold water in?"
Two cows are standing a field. One turns to the other and says, ‘Ermintrude, I’m really worried that we’re going to get mad cow disease.’
Ermintrude replies, ‘What are you talking about? I’m a helicopter.’
A vampire bat comes flapping home from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parks himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he got it. He tells them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persist until finally, he gives in.
"OK, follow me," he says. He flies out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they go, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slows down and all the other bats excitedly mill around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asks.
"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all scream in a frenzy.
"Well, I didn't."
Q. What you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?...
A. Ell-if-i-know.........
One day a busy butcher looks up from his chopping and notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please? The dog has money in its mouth as well".
The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a £10 note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher’s well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. It puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. When the lights turn, he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Dog and butcher are walking along the road, when the dog turns into a driveway. He walks up and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - Whap! - against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and - Whap! - throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door and starts laying into the dog. Yelling and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy.
"What the heck are you doing?" he says, "That dog’s a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key."
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
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Q. What happens when a spider gets angry?
A. He goes up the wall!
Q. Where do spiders play football?
A. Webley
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A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
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A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. You can have anything you want. What would you like?"
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice reply, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of rollerskates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny rollerskates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is (naturally) sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
"How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are brilliant!"
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Q. Why don’t owls take their girlfriends out in the rain?
A. Because it’s too wet to woo!
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Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took a pair of state-of-the-art trainers out of his bag and started to put them on.
The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you really think you'll run faster than the tiger with those?"
His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."
Two fish in a tank, One says to the other,
"Any idea how you drive this thing?"
What do you get if you lie under a cow?
A pat on the head.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet, he says; "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet. "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. While he’s there he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
Yeah right?? thinks the Aussie farmer to himself, and turns to walk away. Suddenly, the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. ?What are THOSE?? he asks. The Aussie replies with a triumphant look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Q. What has four legs and an arm?
A. A Rottweiler
Q. What do you get when you cross a Pitbull with a Collie?
A. A dog that rips your leg off, then goes for help.
A horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer and the barman replies,
"Sure, but why the long face?!
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A kangaroo keeps getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he can hop high, the zoo officials put up a 3m fence. But next morning, he’s out again, roaming around the zoo.
A 5m fence is put up. Again he gets out.
When the fence is 10m high, a camel in the next enclosure asks the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo replies, "About 800m unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!"
A man slipped while working on his roof, and was hanging onto the window ledge by his fingertips. He saw the cat through the window and called out to it to get help.
The cat replied, “Me? How?”
Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record, "I've won eight of my last 15 races!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well, in my last 27 races, I won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but I must just interject," says another, flicking his tail casually, "that out of my last 36 races, I won 28..."
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting in the corner listening to them. "Well, I couldn't help overhearing," he says, "and I don't mean to boast, but out of my last 90 races, I won 88!"
The horses are clearly amazed.
"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog!"
It was Christmas Eve at Aintree. Conditions were good to firm, and the 2.30 race was going well. When suddenly, the leading jockey noticed a Christmas pudding flying through the air, straight at him. He ducked out the way and managed to avoid it, give or take a few specks of custard. He regained his posture and continued the race. But 30 seconds later, his head was almost knocked off by an airborne ovenready turkey. Cursing slightly under his breath, he swerved out the way, and it sailed by. He got back on track, but moments later a volley of mince pies flew towards him.
What a race. Despite being bookies favourite the jockey came in last, and stormed off to talk to the steward about it.
"I demand you do something about this," he fumed, "I was severely hampered."
Q. What happens when Frog parks illegally?
A. He gets Toad away!
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Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed an Oxo cube?
It made a laughing stock of itself!
Q. What do you call an unmarried lady moth?
A. Myth!
Man starts new job at zoo. They tell him to feed the piranhas but to take care as they bite. He feeds them and one jumps out of the water and bites him. In anger he grabs hold of it, whacks it against the tank and kills it. Wondering what to do with the body, he puts it in the lion's cage and the lion eats it.
He is next told to feed the chimpanzees but to take care as they are frisky. Whilst feeding them they pull his jacket and his hair so he gets hold of one round the neck and throttles it. Wondering what to do with the body, he puts it in the lion's cage and the lion eats it.
He is then asked to feed the bees but to take care as they can sting. Sure enough one of the bees stings him and in his anger he tips out the hive and stamps on all the bees. Wondering what to do with the bodies, he shovels them up and puts them in the lion's cage and the lion eats them.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He asks the old lion what the place is like. "It's OK," says the old lion.
"What's the food like?" says the new lion.
"Oh, very good," says the old lion, "today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees."
Q. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
A. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!
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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I am sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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OK, a magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one day in the middle of his act the ship sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another, and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up, what have you done with the ship?
Q. What's black and white and goes "Oooooooooo ooooooooooo"?
A. A cow with no lips!
Did you hear about the geneticist who wanted to develop a chicken with bigger drumsticks? After many failed experiments he finally crossed the chicken with an ostrich. Its drumsticks were large enough but it kept hiding its head in the carrots!
Q. What do you get when you cross a skunk with a bear?
A. Winnie the Pooh!
Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep and a radiator?
A. Central Bleeting!
Q. How do you make a millipede run in circles?
A. By applying a centipedal force
Q. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A. A woolly jumper
Q. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
A. Holes all over Australia.
Q. Which dinosaur slept all day?
A. The dino-snore!
Q. How do dinosaurs pass exams?
A. With extinction!
Q. Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors?
A. Because she had no guts!
Q. What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
A. Use a cowculator.
Q. Why did the foal cough?
A. Because he was a little horse!
Q. Why did the pig go to the casino?
A. To play the slop machine!
Q. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A. You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.
Q. What do you get if you cross a snake and a magician?
A. Abra – the – Cobra!
Q. What fish helps fix a piano?
A. A Tuna
Q. What is the strongest creature in the sea?
A. A Muscle
Q. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A. You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.
Q. What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A. Fowl weather.
Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God's command and go forth and multiply.
"Well," said Noah. "I'll have to ask the Lord what to do about that." And so he prayed to God and said, "These snakes won't go forth and multiply"
And God said, "Don't worry. Find some trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform."
"But how will that help the snakes?" asked Noah.
"Easy," replied God, "Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!"
Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
Interupting cow!
"Interuptin….."
MOO!
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Q. What’s worse than a centipede with sore feet?
A. A giraffe with a sore throat.
Q. What kind of suit does a bee wear to work?
A. A buzzness suit.
Q. What do you get when you cross a cat and a parrot?
A. You get a carrot!
Q. Why don't deer have uncles?
A. Because they only have antlers.
Q. Where do baby apes sleep?
A. In apricots. (APE-ri-COTS)
Q. How do you make a milkshake?
A. Give a cow a pogo stick. |
Bert is a bus driver. One day he’s headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van broken down at the side of the road. The van driver works for the local zoo. He pleads with Bert to do him a favour.
He offers him £100 to help him get a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they need to be there within the hour. Bert agrees, and proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver’s van is fixed and he heads off to the zoo to catch up with his deliveries. As he's driving down the road, he sees Bert and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and flags it down.
"Oi, Bert!” he yells, “I thought I gave you £100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me?"
"Keep your hair on,” replies Bert, “I took the penguins to the zoo like you said, but we had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the cinema!”
You say: “Hey, somebody said that you look like an owl.”
They say: “Who?”
You say: “Amazing - you sound like one too …!”
A man went into a pet shop and asked the assistant if he could have a hamster for his son.
“Sorry, sir,” replied the assistant, “we don’t do part-exchanges …”
Hey – did you see that wolf?
Where?
No, it was just an ordinary one!
Q. What did the mother bee say to the baby bee?
A. “Behive yourself.”
Q. What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
A. Humphrey.
Q. Why did the dog go to court?
A. Because he got a barking ticket.
Q. Why did the cow look into the crystal ball?
A. To see if there was a message from the udder side …
Q. How do chimps make toast?
A. Easy. They just put the bread under a gorilla.
Q. What’s the special offer at the petshop this week?
A. Buy one cat, get one flea!
Q. Why do fish avoid the computer?
A. So they don't get caught in the Internet.
Q. How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A. Unhoppy.
Q. How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
A. Put a load of manure in the dining room!
Q. What did the Pink Panther say when he trod on an ant?
A. “Dead ant. Dead ant. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant …”
Q. What has 50 legs but cannot walk?
A. Half a centipede.
A man notices a sign in front of a house...
It says,"Talking Dog for Sale."
Hmmmm, he thinks to himself, sounds interesting.
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog’s in the back garden. He goes into the back garden and sees a black labrador lying under a tree.
"Is it true you can talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
”Well,” says the dog, sitting up. "I discovered this gift when I was just a puppy. And I was surprised, you know what I mean? Nobody else in my family could talk to humans. I wanted to use my talent to help the country, so I told the Foreign Office, and in no time they were jetting me about from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one ever thought a dog would be eavesdropping.
"For eight years, I was one of their most valuable spies,” he continues. “But all that travelling really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
"So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly walking around near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings, and was awarded all sorts of honours. But now I’m just retired."
The man’s amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "£10 will do."
”Really? Only £10? This dog’s incredible. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he’s a total liar,” the owner replies, “He didn't do any of that stuff."
A rabbit walks into a butcher's shop and says, “Have you got any carrots?"
"No, says the butcher, “this is a butcher’s shop"
Next day, in walks the rabbit once more. "Have you got any carrots?"
"I told you yesterday, this is a butchers." The rabbit leaves again.
Next day, he’s back. "Have you got any carrots?"
"Look, don't waste my time, this is a butchers. OUT!”
The next morning, the rabbit re-appears. "Have you got any carrots?" he asks.
"I have sausages, steak, beef, lamb, pork... get it? No carrots. Go away."
But next day, he's back. "Have you got any carrots?"
"Right...If you come in here tomorrow, I'm going to get two large nails, and hold you up to that wall over there, and hammer the nails through your ears and leave you there."
The next morning, the rabbit’s back. "Have you got any nails?" he asks.
"NO!"
"Well, in that case: have you got any carrots?!"
A man goes on holiday to the African jungle. He takes his pet dachshund along with him for company.
One day, the dachshund wanders off and gets lost. All of a sudden he notices a leopard heading straight for him …
Looking around quickly, he notices a pile of bones on the ground. He drops down on all fours and begins to chew on the bones with his back to the leopard. Just as it’s about to leap on him, he exclaims loudly, "Yum! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard backs off, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," he says to himself, “close escape. That dachshund nearly had me."
Neither the dog nor the leopard realises that a monkey’s been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. And he reckons he can use this to his advantage clever and win protection from the leopard, so he leaps off after him, to tell him what just happened.
The leopard’s furious at being made a fool of and said, "Monkey, hop on my back – we’re going to sort out that conniving canine."
But the dachshund had seen the monkey run off with the leopard, so had a good idea what was going on …
So he sat down again with his back to his attackers, and just when they got within earshot, he said loudly, “Now, where's that darned monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, “And what are those”?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
The farmer didn't like to use a tractor on his small holding. He preferred to have his draft horses pull his plough. Unfortunately, a group of small birds insisted on forming nests in the horses' manes, which prevented him from hitching the reins properly.
The farmer tried every method he could think of to get rid of the pesky birds. He tried lotions, potions, and notions. He kept the stable colder; he kept it warmer. He went to horse doctors; he went to bird specialists. He called his MP; he called the Department of Agriculture. He trimmed the manes as much as he could. He tried loud noises, cat noises, and classical music. Nothing would induce the birds to leave his horses alone.
In desperation, he sought the help of the Horse Whisperer who listened to his story then gave him some vile-smelling yeast extract to rub into the manes. Amazingly, it worked. Within two days, the birds had all fled and the horses were back to work.
The farmer was pleased with this outcome, but he was puzzled with the methodology. He went back to the man and inquired about how a simple extract of yeast was able to solve a problem that many vets and the Department of Agriculture couldn't.
The Horse Whisperer replied, "Simple. Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”?
“Well,” said the orang-utang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother.”
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.
The mother skunk calmly instructed her young, “Quickly, children, let's put our heads together!”
After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, “Now -- let us spray!”
A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship. When he entered the captain's quarters, he saw the captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought. When the captain didn't move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised, but stopped short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess ... with a parrot! The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move. "Good move! Good move!" the parrot cried, "Nice! Nice!"
Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed. "Arrgh, matey! That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin' against thar," he said.
The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so involved with the game that he had not noticed the tar standing there. "Ahh, he's not so smart," he replied, "I've beaten the blighter two out of three."
"So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?" asked the pirate.
"Somersaults," was the quick reply.
"Somersaults?" the pirate said, "That be incredible! How many would it be doin' then?"
"That would depend on how hard I slap him."
A farmer had been fleeced several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
Basic cow £499.95
Shipping and handling £35.75
Extra stomach £79.25
Two-tone exterior £142.10
Produce storage compartment £126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper £189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system £149.20
Automatic fly swatter £88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery £179.90
Deluxe dual horns £59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment £339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly £884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb £69.80
FARMER’S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: £2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments: £300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): £3143.36
What do you get if you cross some ants with some ticks?
All sorts of antics!
Why did the bees go on strike?
Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!
Two cockroaches were munching on rubbish in an alley.
"I was in that new
restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The
kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the
whole place shines."
"Please," said the other cockroach, frowning.
"Not while I'm eating!"
Buttercup and Daisy were chatting as they chewed the cud.
"'Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"
"Yes, sounds nasty."
"I'm glad I'm a chicken."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
The Original Shaggy-Dog-Story
In the days of yore, a knight was on his way to do something terribly important, riding his horse into the ground to get to his destination as fast as possible.
After being ridden too hard for too long, his horse became lame, and seeing a small town ahead he headed straight for the stables there.
"I must have a horse!" he cried "The life of the King depends upon it!"
The stablekeeper shook his head. "I have no horses," he said. "They have all been taken in the service of your King."
"You must have something - a pony, a donkey, a mule, anything at all?" the knight asked.
"Nothing..... unless.... no, I couldn't"
The knight's eyes lit up. "Tell me!"
The stablekeeper leads the knight into the stable. Inside is a dog, but no ordinary dog. This dog is a giant, almost as large as the horse the knight was riding. But it is also the filthiest, shaggiest, smelliest, mangiest dog that the knight has ever seen.
Swallowing, the knight said "I'll take it. Where is the saddle?"
The stablekeeper walked over to a saddle near the dog and started gasping for breath, holding the walls to keep himself upright. "I can't do it." he told the knight.
"You must give me the dog!" cried the knight. "Why can't you?"
The stablekeeper said "I just couldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
Groan!
What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hair line.
Did you know deer nuggets are cheaper than chicken nuggets?
Chicken nuggets are £1.49, but deer nuggets are under a BUCK.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K9P.
Management review of writing style
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Mgmt. Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Mgmt. Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feetand one is a tail.
Mgmt. Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse.
Mgmt. Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Mgmt. Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Mgmt. Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!
Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Mgmt. Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Mgmt. Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT:
Mice have four feet.
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