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| If you are a reader of the Planet Science Newsletter you'll know it zings off to the email list lunchtime Fridays – full of hot off the press science info, new Planet Science content alerts, science education news, competitions, general hilarity, activities and science history. If you are not signed up for it and all this sounds up your street, please do click here and join the thronging 16,500 or so people who already are. But beware, in every newsletter there is the thing we call a 'joke of the week'. And if Anne McNaught, the newsletter editor, is feeling very cruel and heartless, there may be more than one. GULP!! Some come from the world wide web, some from word of mouth, and some we have to blame on loyal but misguided newsletter readers who are only trying to help. After more than two years of newsletters we have a big bin full of these so-called 'jokes', and therefore it is time to unleash the least rubbish ones onto the site in the form of a collection. Of course they are meant to have a science theme to them, and some of them do. Some teachers have even said thanks because they use them in the classroom! Some of the jokes have a tenuous link to science about one micron thick and some of them, well, see what you think... There are some symbols to guide you through the jokes in the collection:
so without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen we are proud (what?) to present… THE PLANET SCIENCE NEWSLETTER JOKE OF THE WEEK COLLECTION
  LIGHTBULBSQ. How many kite flyers does it take to change a light bulb? A. As many as you need ........ no strings attached. Q. How many astronomers does it take to change a lightbulb? A. None! They're not afraid of the dark  FIVE-LINE RHYMESThere was a young lady called Bright Whose speed was far faster than light She went out one day, In a relative way, And returned on the previous night. There once was an atom of flourine That wished it really was chlorine It got a reaction And changed a fraction But now it's become quite borine!! Tribute to Orville and Wilbur Wright and their 1903 triumph: There were two brothers named Wright Who made the world's first controlled flight They flew in 'The Flyer' And went higher and higher They must have been quite a sight! Tribute to all the scientists involved in space exploration and to Science Fiction writers inspired by them: An Alien landed on Earth And said, "What's this spaceship worth? It shines up a treat And I keep it quite neat Only one careful owner since birth!" Tribute to Thomas Crapper who invented the first flush toilet which he installed in Royal Households: There was a man named Crapper Who was by all accounts dapper He invented the flush For the Royals, a must That clever dapper Crapper! Tribute to Isaac Newton: Old Isaac's well known it is said 'Cos an apple dropped down on his head, His calculus showed As thoughts freely flowed It was gravity falling like lead. Tribute to Samuel P. Langley, 1834-1906 This one’s actually funny! Oh Langley invented the bolometer, Which is really a kind of thermometer. It will measure the heat In a polar bear's feet From a distance of half a kilometer Tribute to George Fitzgerald, 1851-1901 A fencing instructor named Frisk Is in motion exceedingly brisk. Because of his action The Fitzgerald contraction Foreshortens his foil to a disc!  LIMBERING UP FOR A LAUGHTwo sprinters are training for the 100 metres race. One says to the other: "You won't believe this, but I've just run 100 metres in 10 seconds." The other says: "But that's impossible, that's the world record." The first replies: "Aha, but I took a short cut..."
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?" God replies, "In the next five years." "But I'll be dead by then..." says the man. The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Liverpool next win the European Cup?" The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years". "But I'll be dead by then..." says the man. The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Everton win the Premier League?" God answers," I'll be dead by then!" The professional at a posh golf club is always challenging the club members to a game, and loves to bet and take as much money off them as possible. One day one of the members comes in to the clubhouse with a gorilla. "I've been training him to play golf," he says, "and we'd like to challenge you - bet you £1000 the gorilla wins." "You're on," says the pro. The day of the match arrives and all parties are ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro tees off and the ball lands some 270 yards away. The gorilla lumbers up to the tee. He places the ball on the ground and takes a mighty swing at it. The ball rockets off the clubface and flies through the air 100, 200, 300, 400... 500... 575 yards. It stops just 5 inches from the hole. The pro freaks out as it looks like he's going to lose his bet very speedily. He makes an excuse about having urgent business to attend to and gathers up his clubs. As they're walking away from the tee, an admiring observer asks the gorilla's owner, "How does he putt?" "The same as he drives," comes the reply, "about 575 yards". A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in. "Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff. Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a break, passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner. But Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try." "OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," said Peter, before disappearing to look it up. When he came back he said: "Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all This happen?" The ref looked at his watch and replied "45 seconds ago." Q. What do you get if you cross a football team with an ice cream? A. Aston Vanilla A mummy zebra and a baby zebra were chatting one day and the baby zebra said: "Mummy I really want to support Charlton Athletic, can I, please?" To which the mummy zebra replied: "No darling, you have to support Newcastle United, like the rest of us" A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. A man signs up with a personal trainer at the gym. "Can you teach me to do the splits?" he asks. The trainer replies, "How flexible are you?" "I can't do Thursdays." Q. What’s green and if it falls out of a tree it can hurt you? A. A snooker table. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip on to the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.’ The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well we were married 35 years’. A parachutist is doing his first freefall jump. As he falls, he remembers everything he has to do as he reaches the various altitudes. At the proper altitude, he pulls the cord. Nothing happens! He pulls again. Nothing! Almost in a panic state he tries to remember what the instructor said about this situation but he can’t remember anything. He is resigned to dying on his first freefall. He looks down in a sort of ghoulish curiosity to see where he is going to thunder in. He looks down on a plume of smoke rising from the suburbs, and then he sees something he can’t understand. It looks like something coming up to meet him. As it gets closer, he sees it's a blackened faced bloke wearing a cook’s hat and holding a long fork in one hand. The parachutist figures it must be a messenger from hell and yells: ‘Do you know anything about parachutes?’ The bloke answers: ‘No. You know anything about gas barbeques?’
Q. Why do potatoes make such good detectives? A. Because they always have their eyes peeled. Did you hear about the chicken farm that was breeding chickens with four legs so that each member of the family could have a leg? The research was going well but they had a devil of a job catching the chickens! Q. What did the grape say when he got trodden on? A. Nothing, he just gave a little wine! What do physicists eat for tea? Nuclear fission chips!  HAPPY FAMILIESQ. Why should you look after your relatives in a curry house? A. "In case your nan falls in to a korma" Q. Why don't robots have brothers? A. Because they all have trans-sisters! A woman walks into an optician to return a pair of spectacles that she purchased for her husband a week before. The assistant asks, "What seems to be the problem, Madam?" The woman replies, "I'm returning these spectacles I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way." NB the gender roles can be switched around for re-telling that one! A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The bus driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go on, I'll hold your monkey for you." A policeman in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the High Street at 110mph. "But officer," the man stutters, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snaps the policeman, "You were 80mph over the speed limit. You can cool your heels in the cells until the Superintendent gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say..." "I said keep quiet! I. Don't. Want. to. Hear. It. Understand?" A few hours later the officer looks in on his prisoner and says, "Lucky for you the Superintendent's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answers the motorist, "I'm the groom."  ANIMAL MAGICAn Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.” Two monkeys are in a bathroom, filling up a bath. One monkey climbs in and goes "Ooo ooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh oooh" The second monkey says, "Why don't you put some cold water in?" Two cows are standing a field. One turns to the other and says, ‘Ermintrude, I’m really worried that we’re going to get mad cow disease.’ Ermintrude replies, ‘What are you talking about? I’m a helicopter.’ A vampire bat comes flapping home from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parks himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he got it. He tells them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persist until finally, he gives in. "OK, follow me," he says. He flies out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they go, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slows down and all the other bats excitedly mill around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asks. "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all scream in a frenzy. "Well, I didn't." Q. What you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?... A. Ell-if-i-know......... One day a busy butcher looks up from his chopping and notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please? The dog has money in its mouth as well". The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a £10 note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher’s well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. It puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. When the lights turn, he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Dog and butcher are walking along the road, when the dog turns into a driveway. He walks up and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - Whap! - against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and - Whap! - throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door and starts laying into the dog. Yelling and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he says, "That dog’s a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key." An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. You can have anything you want. What would you like?" The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice reply, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of rollerskates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny rollerskates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is (naturally) sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are brilliant!"
An old lady goes into a department store to buy some wool. "I want to knit a coat for my dog," she tells the assistant. "How big is he?" the assistant asks her. The old lady has great trouble deciding on the size "Perhaps you could bring him in," suggests the assistant. "Oh dear me, no!" she exclaims, "I want it to be a surprise!? Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took a pair of state-of-the-art trainers out of his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you really think you'll run faster than the tiger with those?" His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you." Two fish in a tank, One says to the other, "Any idea how you drive this thing?" What do you get if you lie under a cow? A pat on the head. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet, he says; "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet. "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. While he’s there he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". “Yeah right…” thinks the Aussie farmer to himself, and turns to walk away. Suddenly, the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. “What are THOSE?” he asks. The Aussie replies with a triumphant look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"? Q. What has four legs and an arm? A. A Rottweiler Q. What do you get when you cross a Pitbull with a Collie? A. A dog that rips your leg off, then goes for help.
A kangaroo keeps getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he can hop high, the zoo officials put up a 3m fence. But next morning, he’s out again, roaming around the zoo. A 5m fence is put up. Again he gets out. When the fence is 10m high, a camel in the next enclosure asks the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo replies, "About a 800m, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!" Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record, "I've won eight of my last 15 races!" Another horse breaks in, "Well, in my last 27 races, I won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but I must just interject," says another, flicking his tail casually, "that out of my last 36 races, I won 28..." At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting in the corner listening to them. "Well, I couldn't help overhearing," he says, "and I don't mean to boast, but out of my last 90 races, I won 88!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog!" It was Christmas Eve at Aintree. Conditions were good to firm, and the 2.30 race was going well. When suddenly, the leading jockey noticed a Christmas pudding flying through the air, straight at him. He ducked out the way and managed to avoid it, give or take a few specks of custard. He regained his posture and continued the race. But 30 seconds later, his head was almost knocked off by an airborne ovenready turkey. Cursing slightly under his breath, he swerved out the way, and it sailed by. He got back on track, but moments later a volley of mince pies flew towards him. What a race. Despite being bookies favourite the jockey came in last, and stormed off to talk to the steward about it. "I demand you do something about this," he fumed, "I was severely hampered."
Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed an Oxo cube? It made a laughing stock of itself! Q. What do you call an unmarried lady moth? A. Myth! Man starts new job at zoo. They tell him to feed the piranhas but to take care as they bite. He feeds them and one jumps out of the water and bites him. In anger he grabs hold of it, whacks it against the tank and kills it. Wondering what to do with the body, he puts it in the lion's cage and the lion eats it. He is next told to feed the chimpanzees but to take care as they are frisky. Whilst feeding them they pull his jacket and his hair so he gets hold of one round the neck and throttles it. Wondering what to do with the body, he puts it in the lion's cage and the lion eats it. He is then asked to feed the bees but to take care as they can sting. Sure enough one of the bees stings him and in his anger he tips out the hive and stamps on all the bees. Wondering what to do with the bodies, he shovels them up and puts them in the lion's cage and the lion eats them. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He asks the old lion what the place is like. "It's OK," says the old lion. "What's the food like?" says the new lion. "Oh, very good," says the old lion, "today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees." Q. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? A. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!
OK, a magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one day in the middle of his act the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another, and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up, what have you done with the ship? Q. What's black and white and goes "Oooooooooo ooooooooooo"? A. A cow with no lips! Did you hear about the geneticist who wanted to develop a chicken with bigger drumsticks? After many failed experiments he finally crossed the chicken with an ostrich. Its drumsticks were large enough but it kept hiding its head in the carrots! Q. What do you get when you cross a skunk with a bear? A. Winnie the Pooh! Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep and a radiator? A. Central Bleeting! Q. How do you make a millipede run in circles? A. By applying a centipedal force Q. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A. A woolly jumper Q. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant? A. Holes all over Australia. Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A. The chicken hadn't evolved yet! Q. Which dinosaur slept all day? A. The dino-snore! Q. How do dinosaurs pass exams? A. With extinction! Q. Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? A. Because she had no guts! Q. What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle? A. Use a cowculator. Q. Why did the foal cough? A. Because he was a little horse! Q. Why did the pig go to the casino? A. To play the slop machine! Q. What happens when it rains cats and dogs? A. You have to been careful not to step in a poodle. Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God's command and go forth and multiply. "Well," said Noah. "I'll have to ask the Lord what to do about that." And so he prayed to God and said, "These snakes won't go forth and multiply" And God said, "Don't worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform." "But how will that help the snakes?" asked Noah. "Easy," replied God, "Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!" Knock Knock "Who's there?" Interupting cow! "Interuptin….." MOO!
Bert is a bus driver. One day he’s headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van broken down at the side of the road. The van driver works for the local zoo. He pleads with Bert to do him a favour. He offers him £100 to help him get a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they need to be there within the hour. Bert agrees, and proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo. An hour later, the delivery driver’s van is fixed and he heads off to the zoo to catch up with his deliveries. As he's driving down the road, he sees Bert and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and flags it down. "Oi, Bert!” he yells, “I thought I gave you £100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me?" "Keep your hair on,” replies Bert, “I took the penguins to the zoo like you said, but we had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the cinema!” You say: “Hey, somebody said that you look like an owl.” Hey – did you see that wolf? A man went into a pet shop and asked the assistant if he could have a hamster for his son. Years and years later the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river having a drink with his giraffe buddy when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that?" The giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason." The elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!" Exclaimed the giraffe. "Yep!" Said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall". Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
Q. What's a pig's favourite ballet?
A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig. He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over. Cop asks "Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?" The driver says "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field." The cop says" I want you to take that pig to the zoo!" The driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo. The next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO!!" He replied, "Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we’re going to the ball game now." "Okay, boys," she purred. "I'll make a very happy dog out of whoever can come up with the best proposition, using the words 'cheese' and 'liver'." The great dane thought a moment, then stated: "I don't like cheese, but I sure like liver, and I like you, too!" He panted and wagged his tail. The lady just looked away. The scotty immediately said "I like cheese, and I like liver, AND I like you!" and wagged his tail expectantly. She ignored him. Then the chihuahua growled "Liver alone! Cheese with me." They left together. Patti explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Yeah. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." “I need to ‘phone my dad,” he explained. “He’s a little chap, sits by the garden pond all day fishing. I need to tell him his skittles match is on. I haven’t any money to pay you but you can have this drawing pin.” “A drawing pin!” exclaimed Patrick. Pat’s friend said, “It’s a tin-tack Paddy Mac, lend the mog your ‘phone; his ol’ man’s a bowling gnome.” A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!" "Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the landlord. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right" replies the landlord. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle? "That's right!" says the landlord. The duck looks confused. "What do they want with a plasterer?" |
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MAKE A MEAL OF IT