a croakful of old jokes
If you are a reader of the Planet Science Newsletter you'll know it zings off to the email list lunchtime Fridays – full of hot off the press science info, new Planet Science content alerts, science education news, competitions, general hilarity, activities and science history.
If you are not signed up for it and all this sounds up your street, please do click here and join the thronging 16,500 or so people who already are. But beware, in every newsletter there is the thing we call a 'joke of the week'. And if Anne McNaught, the newsletter editor, is feeling very cruel and heartless, there may be more than one.
GULP!!
Some come from the world wide web, some from word of mouth, and some we have to blame on loyal but misguided newsletter readers who are only trying to help. After more than two years of newsletters we have a big bin full of these so-called 'jokes', and therefore it is time to unleash the least rubbish ones onto the site in the form of a collection. Of course they are meant to have a science theme to them, and some of them do. Some teachers have even said thanks because they use them in the classroom! Some of the jokes have a tenuous link to science about one micron thick and some of them, well, see what you think...
there are some symbols to guide you through the jokes in the collection:
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Joke set in a pub or bar | |
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Joke requiring specialized science knowledge (so there won’t be many of these icons) | |
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Slightly suggestive joke, Matron! | |
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A terrible groaner (as opposed to all the others which are just groaners) |
so without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen we are proud (what?) to present…
THE PLANET SCIENCE NEWSLETTER JOKE OF THE WEEK COLLECTION
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LET’S GET PHYSICAL FEEL THE FORCE OF PHYSICS… |
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LET’S GET CHEMICAL ANYTHING TO GET A REACTION |
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LET’S GET BIOLOGICAL NATURE UNDER THE MICROSCOPE |
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OI! YOU AT THE BACK! TEACHER JOKES |
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IT’S THE BEST MEDICINE DOCTOR AND THE MEDICAL JOKES |
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GET YOUR HEAD EXAMINED PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED JOKES |
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AAAAARGH! HORRIFYING SPECTACLES! |
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WHAT REMAINS OF A VERY OLD JOKE RARE SPECIMEN OF ARCHAEOLOGICAL HUMOUR |
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JUST LIKE THAT TOMMY COOPER JOKES – AND OTHERS IN HIS IMAGE |
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WHAT DOES THAT BUTTON THERE DO? TECHNOLOGY TURMOILS |
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NUMERICALLY CHALLENGED MATHS HUMOUR UNLEASHED |
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FESTIVE SPECIALS HO HO HO! |
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OTHER PROFESSIONS NOT SO CLEVER HUH? YOU DON’T HAVE BE MAD TO WORK HERE, BUT… |
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LIGHTBULBS THEY DO NEED CHANGING FREQUENTLY… |
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FIVE-LINE RHYMES LIMERICKS |
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LIMBERING UP FOR A LAUGH SPORTS HUMOUR |
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MAKE A MEAL OF IT FOOD + DRINK JOKES |
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HAPPY FAMILIES THE FAMILY THAT LAUGHS TOGETHER… GROANS TOGETHER |
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ANIMAL MAGIC ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL |
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GENIES JUST WHAT YOU’VE BEEN WISHING FOR |
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CHICKENS, CHICKENS EVERYWHERE… (AND OTHER Xs THAT CROSS Ys) |
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SCI-FI THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE |
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GREAT SCIENCE A NOBEL CAUSE |
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SURREAL AND SUPERB |
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THE FINAL FRONTIER YOU’LL FEEL SPACED-OUT, ALRIGHT! |
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THAT ROCKS, MAN STRIKING GOLD WITH GEOLOGY |
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SCIENTIFIC COLEMAN-BALLS QUITE LITERALLY OUT OF THIS WORLD |
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WANTED JOKES – DEAD OR ALIVE |
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GREAT BOOKS OF OUR TIME WOULD YOU ADAM AND EVE IT? |
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YOU’VE MET DOUG’ AND ‘PETE’ NOW MEET THEIR MATES |
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BEYOND OUR KEN COME ON KEN, GIVE IT BACK |
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MISCELLANEOUS JOKES WITH NO HOME |
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| AAAAARGH! Q. What sort of ghosts do you get in a chemistry lab A. Methylated spirits! Q. How do ghosts learn songs? A. They read the sheet music. Q. After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back from Boots? A. Prints of darkness! |
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Q. What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry laboratories?
A. Methylated spirits!
| Q. What did the antibody go to the Halloween party dressed as? A. An immuno-goblin! |
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Q. What song does a ghost sing to warn people that he's around?
A. Beware My Ghoulish Heart.
Q. Why did the singing teacher have such a high pitched voice?
A. She had falsetto teeth.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite
Q. What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?
A. The dog ran off with a couple of bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on!
Q. What's a skeleton's favorite vegetable?
A. Marrow!
Q. Why couldn't the Skeleton go skydiving?
A. He didn’t' have the guts.
Q. Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A. They don't have an organ between them
Q. Why didn't the skeleton go the dance?
A. He didn't have any body to go with!
Q. Who was the smartest monster of them all?
A. Frank Einstein!
A skeleton walks into a cafe.
" I'll have a glass of ginger beer and a mop please! "
First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours.
Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done?
First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.
The scene: inside a taxi.
The taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, and swerves up onto the pavement, stopping centimeters from a shop window.
For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver whispers, "Don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me..."
The passenger apologises, saying he didn't realise that a little tap could scare someone so much.
The driver replies, "Sorry mate, it's not really your fault. Today's my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
| A ghost shimmies through the unopened door of a pub one night. All chatter ceases; a mis-thrown dart clatters off the dartboard. The ghost glides up to the bar and says, “A pint of beer please.” The landlord pours the beer with with a mock-casual air and decides this is a great opportunity to show off to his regulars. “That’ll be £23.90,” he says, winking at the onlookers as the ghost rummages in his robe for the money. “We don’t get many ghosts in here…” he continues chattily. “I’m not surprised,” replies the ghost, piercing him with a stare, “with beer at that price…” |
Q. Why did the spiritualist cross the road?
A. (Cue spooky voice) To get to the other side...
(Knock once for yes, twice for no.)
An archaeologist was excavating in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Did you read in the paper the other day about a monster chemical that escaped from a laboratory and went on a rampage around London? It was finally caught attacking a woman in Hyde Park, when a passer-by reported shouts of ‘Die, ethyl’ coming from the park!
Q. What do you call a ghost's mistake?
A. A boo-boo.
Q. What do you call the ghost of a handkerchief?
A. The Bogie Man
Q. Why are skeletons no good at telling lies?
A. Because you can see right through them…
Q. What did the young ghost call his Mum and Dad?
A. His trans-parents.
Q. How do you grow a werewolf from a seed?
A. Just use plenty of fur-tiliser…
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.
When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.
“I mean no harm; I just want your photograph,” the journalist said bravely.
Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.
He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ...... “The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”
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| WHAT REMAINS OF A VERY OLD JOKE A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide replies that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and are still finding great treasures. |
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The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 2503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 2500 years old, and that was three years ago."
| A drunk Roman is driving home from Pompeii one night and, of course, his chariot is weaving violently all over the road. A city guard waves him over. "So," says the guard to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the taverna of course," slurs the drunk charioteer. "Well," says the guard, "it looks like you've had quite a few flagons of wine this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the guard, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your chariot?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!" |
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| JUST LIKE THAT From the Tommy Cooper files … or might as well have been. RIP Tommy! My brother's got a new job in a blotting paper factory. He finds the work absorbing. |
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
- Doc, I can't stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.
- That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
- Is it common?
- It's not unusual.
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks ...........They charged one and let the other one off."
- Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.
- Well you can't say fairer than that then.
This guy said to me, 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said, 'You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
My uncle's just bad this great idea for getting more pigs into a small space. He's built a sty-scraper.
| Did you know all male tennis players are witches? For example Goran, even he's a witch. |
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My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
I went to the doctor and said I was at home and all these books fell on me.
He said "you've only got yourshelf to blame!
Did you hear about the science teacher who drowned in a bowl of museli? He
was pulled under by the currents.
If all the grass in my garden pointed north would that make it a magnetic field?
I went to a fancy dress party dressed up as sodium chloride, when I got there someone poured some sulphuric acid over me - I didn't know how to react!
I said to this train driver I want to go to Paris - he said 'Eurostar' - I said 'well I've been on telly a couple of times but I'm no Robbie Williams!'
A friend said to me I bet you can't make this alka seltzer laugh - I threw some water over it and it just dissolved!
| I went into a wine bar had several glasses of wine and lost my fil-o-fax - a bit later I was arrested for being drunk and disorganised! |
A policeman came up to me and gave me a pencil and a transparent piece of paper - he said I'd like you to help me trace a missing person!
I saw this man trying to chat up a cheetah - I thought he's trying to pull a fast one!
A student cut off the bottom of his trousers and sent them to the school library - I thought that's a turn-up for the books!
Why did the boy become an astronaut?
Because he was no earthly good!
What do astronauts wear to keep warm?
Apollo-neck sweaters!
Where do astronauts leave their spaceships?
At parking meteors!
Where do Martians drink beer?
At a mars bar!
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rock-et!
Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
He had a hole in one.
What do you give the man who has everything?
Antibiotics.
Why do bees hum?
Because they’ve forgotten the words.
| WHAT DOES THAT BUTTON THERE DO? Heard the one that Sky television has signed up all the rights to broadcast the World Origami championships? Unfortunately it will only be available on Paper View.!!!!!!!! |
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When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
"It costs £50 if we clean it for you," he says, "so you might want to read the printer's manual and do the job yourself..."
Pleasantly surprised by the repair man's candor, the office manager asks, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the repair man replies, "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
| Three men are in the pub and they start discussing which is the World's greatest ever or technological achievement. One says, 'The first landing on the moon, now that was really something!' The second one disagrees and says, 'No, antibiotics saved millions of lives'. However the third exclaims, 'You're all wrong, it's the thermos flask'. The others laugh at him and ask him why, so he replies, 'Well, you put hot drinks in and it keeps them hot, you put cold drinks in and it keeps them cold. How on earth does it know the difference?' |
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2004, vroommbeeb beeb. It's the best and most expensive car in the world, and it costs him £700,000.
He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car you got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 2004, vroommbeeb beeb. It sells at £700,000."
"That's a lot of money," says the shocked old man.
"Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer.. He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my 2004, vroommbeeb beeb?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh!
It goes by again, heading the opposite direction!!!
And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy, "How could a moped outdo a 2004, vroommbeeb beeb?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whooooosh Ka-BaaaMMM!
It ploughs into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it’s the old man! And he's been hurt for certain.
He runs up to the ailing old man and says,
"You’re hurt! What can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies,
"You can unhook my elastic suspenders from your.......
...side-view mirror!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can not have your kayak and heat it too.
A man is driving along the M4 when his wife calls him on his mobile phone.
"Darling, be careful," she says, "I just heard on the radio that there's a car on the M4 driving the wrong way."
To which her husband replies, "One? There are hundreds of them!"
An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the correct time.
"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising.
The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology."
"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."
"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."
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| NUMERICALLY CHALLENGED Q. "What did the nought say to the eight?" A. "Mmmm - nice belt!" There are only 10 sorts of people, those that understand binary and those that don't! You can divide the world into 3 groups: those who can do maths and those who can't. |
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Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9.”
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, “What on earth does Jesus mean, the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?”
Peter replied, “Don’t worry. It’s just one of his parabolas.”
A secondary-school maths teacher started a geometry lesson on triangles by reading a theorem.
"If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles."
He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.
"Well," the student replied sincerely, "I was waiting for you to start speaking English."
Q. What type of pliers do you use in Arithmetic?
A. Multipliers.
Q. What do you need to get top grades in Geometry?
A. All the angles.
Q. What type of tree does a Maths teacher climb?
A. A Geometry.
A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were stranded on a desert island. Eventually their food supply dwindled to a single can of beans which they could not open.
The engineer proposed that he could calculate the exact trajectory necessary to slam the can into a sharp rock without spilling a bean.
The chemist said that this was too risky and that she could set the can in the sun to get the gases to expand so that it would gently pop open.
The mathematician said, "No, no. You're both trying too hard. I have the easiest answer: assume a can opener…"
On a visit to America long ago, Pythagoras visits a Native American settlement, where he is introduced to the chief. He sees that with the chief are three women, each sat on an animal skin with their children, around the campfire. Pythagoras is intrigued by this, and asks the Chief to explain.
“These women are my wives” said the chief, “this wife has borne me two male children, and to honour her I killed a Buffalo so she may sit with our sons upon its skin by the fire. The next wife has borne me three male children, and to honour her I killed a Grizzly bear so that she may sit with our sons upon its skin by the fire. But my other wife has borne me five male children, and to honour this I killed a hippopotamus so she may sit with our sons upon its skin by the fire.”
Pythagoras thinks for a while, looked at the chief and says…
“So the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.”
Q: How did the mathematician resolve his constipation?
A: He worked it out with a pencil!
1 million million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards (or is it 52 cards = 1 deck-a-cards?)
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3-1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
1,000,000,000 piccolos = 1 gigolo
100 rations = 1 C-ration
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| FESTIVE SPECIALS In Viking times, many years ago, there lived a warrior called Olf. He was not a pleasant character to meet, being typically aggressive and extremely rude to all he met. Like many of his time, he had an enormous bushy ginger beard, so was called 'Olf the Red' by his men. |
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One day, near Christmas time, he was about to set off to pillage a few Christmas pressies.
“You'll need your heavy fur on today Olf, it's snowing,” announced his browbeaten wife.
“That's rain, woman.”
‘Well, it’s white and flakey.”
"It's rain I tell you. Rain .....Rain... Rain! " roared Olf.
"But.."
"Let me make it clear," he said, "Rude Olf the Red knows rain dear"
Good King Wenceslas was ordering his meal in Pizza Hut.
"Certainly sir,” the waiter asked, what sort of pizza would you like?”
“Deep pan, crisp and even"
THE SCIENTIFIC CHRISTMAS PARTY
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend
Volta was electrified
Archimedes was buoyant
Ampere was worried he wasn't up with current fashion
Ohm resisted the idea at first
Boyle said he was under too much pressure
Edison said it would be an illuminating experience
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight
Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately
Morse's reply - I'll be there on the dot, Can't stop now, must dash
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with more frequency
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space
Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out
Newton was moved to attend
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality
Reindeer Games
It was the final answer on the game show and the contestant was one question away from the 1 million pound prize.
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "...and Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the contestant began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. Olive, the other reindeer..."
November the 5th has come and gone... But some of the things still linger. I held a banger in my hand... Has anyone seen my finger?!
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening; in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?"
"I charged one and let the other off."
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| OTHER PROFESSIONS NOT SO CLEVER HUH? Three guys are alone on a desert island: an engineer, a biologist and an economist. They are starving and don't have a thing to eat, but somehow they find a can of beans on the shore. |
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The biologist has another idea: “No,” he says, “We should wait for a while. Erosion will do the job."
Finally, the economist says:
"OK, let's ASSUME that we have a can opener…"
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons......
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."
There were two guys working for the city council. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, then the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill.
The two men worked furiously. One digging holes, the other filling them up after him. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
An engineer, a physicist and a technician are each paid £50 by a man to ascertain the height of a building.
The engineer spends the £50 on a clinometer and ruler and tells the man the height of the building through calculations.
“The physicist spends the £50 on a calculator and a ball. He tells the man the height of the building by dropping the ball from the top, timing how long it takes to reach the bottom and calculating the height.
“The technician pockets £40 and bungs the last £10 to the doorman who tells him the height of the building!”
'If it moves, it's biology; if it smells, it's chemistry and if it doesn't work, it's physics...'
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess...
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes... After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologist says: "They have reproduced"
The Mathematician says: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again"
Q. What's the difference between a soldier and a fireman?
A. You can't dip a fireman in your egg!
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I just can not stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A man walks into a butchers shop asks the butcher "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Yes".
The man says, "I bet you fifty pounds that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher looks up at the meat hanging on the hooks. He says, "I'm not betting on that".
"But I thought you were a gambling man," the man retorts.
"Yes I am," says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".
Q. How does a barber cut the Sun’s hair?
A. Eclipse it
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" “I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him.
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
It was coming up to Christmas and the Judge was in a jolly frame of mind.
“Now then, please tell me, what is the charge against you?”
“I was caught doing my Christmas shopping very early.” replied the man in the dock.
“That doesn't seem like an offence to me. What do you mean by 'very early’?
“Well, your Honour.” said the defendant, “It was before the shop was open.
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I'll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three doctors are there already!”
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of the application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read his application and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”
“It's called the door!”
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Food cold!” the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?“
“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“I quit!” said the man.
“Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”
Builders in the south of England were digging foundations when they came across the corner of what looked like a large stone box. They called in the archaeologists, who excavated the site further. With increasing excitement, they unearthed an intact sarcophagus decorated with crown-motifs.
Carefully they lifted the lid. Inside was a wooden coffin, bearing an embossed crown design. Through the disintegrating walls they could see a skeleton. There was still a crown around its skull. The skeleton looked complete, except that the tarsals, metatarsals and phalanges were missing. They wondered which king it might be.
"That's easy," shouted a historian. "It’s King Harold.
"How can you be so sure," the archaeologists asked.
The reply was swift. "At the Battle of Hastings, King Harold was de-feeted!"
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get. The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?" The mechanic nods, confused. "Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?""Oh yes," says the mechanic."Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?" "Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic."Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that already!" says the boss.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was up to no good and debated calling the police. Since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with electronic gadgets?”
“No” replied the husband so the wife said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and sit on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” The next day the plan went without a hitch. The wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
“Well? Were we right?” she asked excitedly. “No” he said. “Well? What is it, then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson. “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the sea shore.
A young entrepreneur had just set up in business. He rented swanky new premises and furnished them with antiques. On his first day at the office he sat at his desk and admired his surroundings. A man came in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was closing a big deal. He gesticulated wildly, throwing large figures around and making giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines”.