a croakful of old jokes

If you are a reader of the Planet Science Newsletter you'll know it zings off to the email list lunchtime Fridays – full of hot off the press science info, new Planet Science content alerts, science education news, competitions, general hilarity, activities and science history.

If you are not signed up for it and all this sounds up your street, please do click here and join the thronging 16,500 or so people who already are. But beware, in every newsletter there is the thing we call a 'joke of the week'. And if Anne McNaught, the newsletter editor, is feeling very cruel and heartless, there may be more than one.

GULP!!

Some come from the world wide web, some from word of mouth, and some we have to blame on loyal but misguided newsletter readers who are only trying to help. After more than two years of newsletters we have a big bin full of these so-called 'jokes', and therefore it is time to unleash the least rubbish ones onto the site in the form of a collection. Of course they are meant to have a science theme to them, and some of them do. Some teachers have even said thanks because they use them in the classroom! Some of the jokes have a tenuous link to science about one micron thick and some of them, well, see what you think...

there are some symbols to guide you through the jokes in the collection:

		Joke set in a pub or bar

		Joke requiring specialized science knowledge (so there won’t be many of these icons)

		Slightly suggestive joke, Matron!

		A terrible groaner (as opposed to all the others which are just groaners)

so without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen we are proud (what?) to present…

THE PLANET SCIENCE NEWSLETTER JOKE OF THE WEEK COLLECTION

		LET’S GET PHYSICAL FEEL THE FORCE OF PHYSICS…				LET’S GET CHEMICAL ANYTHING TO GET A REACTION
		LET’S GET BIOLOGICAL NATURE UNDER THE MICROSCOPE				OI! YOU AT THE BACK! TEACHER JOKES
		IT’S THE BEST MEDICINE DOCTOR AND THE MEDICAL JOKES				GET YOUR HEAD EXAMINED PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED JOKES
		AAAAARGH! HORRIFYING SPECTACLES!				WHAT REMAINS OF A VERY OLD JOKE RARE SPECIMEN OF ARCHAEOLOGICAL HUMOUR
		JUST LIKE THAT TOMMY COOPER JOKES – AND OTHERS IN HIS IMAGE				WHAT DOES THAT BUTTON THERE DO? TECHNOLOGY TURMOILS
		NUMERICALLY CHALLENGED MATHS HUMOUR UNLEASHED				FESTIVE SPECIALS HO HO HO!
		OTHER PROFESSIONS NOT SO CLEVER HUH? YOU DON’T HAVE BE MAD TO WORK HERE, BUT…				LIGHTBULBS THEY DO NEED CHANGING FREQUENTLY…
		FIVE-LINE RHYMES LIMERICKS				LIMBERING UP FOR A LAUGH SPORTS HUMOUR
		MAKE A MEAL OF IT FOOD + DRINK JOKES				HAPPY FAMILIES THE FAMILY THAT LAUGHS TOGETHER… GROANS TOGETHER
		ANIMAL MAGIC ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL				GENIES JUST WHAT YOU’VE BEEN WISHING FOR
		CHICKENS, CHICKENS EVERYWHERE… (AND OTHER Xs THAT CROSS Ys)				SCI-FI THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
		GREAT SCIENCE A NOBEL CAUSE				SURREAL AND SUPERB
		THE FINAL FRONTIER YOU’LL FEEL SPACED-OUT, ALRIGHT!				THAT ROCKS, MAN STRIKING GOLD WITH GEOLOGY
		SCIENTIFIC COLEMAN-BALLS QUITE LITERALLY OUT OF THIS WORLD				WANTED JOKES – DEAD OR ALIVE
		GREAT BOOKS OF OUR TIME WOULD YOU ADAM AND EVE IT?				YOU’VE MET DOUG’ AND ‘PETE’ NOW MEET THEIR MATES
		BEYOND OUR KEN COME ON KEN, GIVE IT BACK				MISCELLANEOUS JOKES WITH NO HOME

CHICKENS, CHICKENS EVERYWHERE…
(AND OTHER THINGS THAT CROSS THINGS)

A pair of chickens walk up to the reception desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.'

The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives them to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She follows them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hides behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She sees the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond. To which the frog keeps saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Q. What did the egg wear to the gym?
A. A shellsuit

Q. What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?
A. An egg.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A. To get to the same side.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A. Because he was a dirty double-crosser!!

Why did the volt cross the road?
Because the other side had more potential.

Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide!

Why did the oyster cross the road?
Purely shellfish reasons

Why did the chemist cross the road?
To see what reaction he'd get.

Famous scientists when asked the question 'Why did the chicken cross the road?, gave the following answers:
Andre Ampere: 'To keep up with current events.'
Albert Einstein : 'Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?'
Alexander Graham Bell: 'To get to the nearest phone.'
Robert Boyle: 'She had been under too much pressure at home.'
James Watt: 'It thought it would be a good way to let off steam.'
Thomas Edison: 'She thought it would be an illuminating experience.'
Jean Foucault: 'It didn't. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.'
Karl Gauss: 'Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the other side.'
Gustav Hertz: 'Lately, its been crossing with greater frequency.'
Georg Ohm: 'There was more resistance on this side of the road.'
Erwin Schrodinger: 'Since the wording of the question implies the absence of an observer (else the fowl's motivation might easily be deduced), it is evident that the chicken simultaneously did and did not cross the road. In the face of this, any speculation as to the bird's purpose must be viewed as mere sophistry - and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion.'

Q. Why did the duck keep crossing the river? A. Because she was quackers.		Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A. Because chickens hadn't evolved yet!
Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground? A. To get to the other slide! (otherwise it would have been a roundabout route)		Q. Why did the electrons cross the wire in one second? A. To become a cool-omelet! (not enough for 6.28x10E18)
Q. Why did the hedgehog & chicken cross the garden? A. Because they were stuck together!		Q. Why did the birds fly over the country gate? A. Because it was cold enough to emigrate!
Q. What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? A. They go on peck-nics!		Q. Why did the chicken cross the road half way? A. He wanted to lay it on the line!
Q. What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy? A. "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!"		Q. Why did the chick disappoint his mother? A. He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!
Q. What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? A. An eggroll!		Q. What do chickens serve at birthday parties? A. Coop-cakes!
Q. Which day of the week do chickens hate most? A. Fry-day!		Q. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A. A bird that lays down!
Q. Why did the rooster run away? A. He was chicken!		Q. Why don't chickens like people? A. They beat eggs!
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road according to Pauli? A. Because there was already a chicken on this side		Q. Why did the chicken cross the road according to Schrödinger? A. Because it was being chased by a cat
Q. Why did the hedgehog cross the road? A. To see his flat-mate.		Q. Why did the hedgehog cross the road? A. To show he had guts.
Q. Why couldn't the hedgehog wash his hair? A. Because he'd left his head and shoulders on the road.		Q. Why did the arachnid cross the road? A. Because he spider friend

Q. What did the grape say when he got trodden on?
A. Nothing, he just gave a little wine!

Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A. Because chickens hadn't been invented!

Why did the chicken cross the road? Newton’s First (chicken) Law: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road. Newton’s Second (chicken) Law: It was pushed onto the road. Newton’s Third (chicken) Law: It was pushed onto the road by another chicken, which was forced into the ditch.

Q. "Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?"
A. "To get to the other slide!"

Q. What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A. Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Q. What do you get when you cross a potato with a sponge?
A. I don't know, but it sure holds a lot of gravy.

Q. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a lion?
A. I don't know, but when it speaks you'd better listen.

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SCI-FI

Darth Vader: "Luke Skywalker, I know what you're getting for your birthday."

Luke: "How do you know?"

Vader: "I felt your presents."

GREAT SCIENCE

Did you hear about the farmer who was trying to win the Nobel prize?
He heard you could get it for being out, standing in your field!!

Q. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
A. He wanted to win the no-bell prize

SURREAL AND SUPERB

Q. How do you kill a circus?
A. Go for the juggler!

Q. Why has Edward Woodward got 4 D's in his name?
A. Cos otherwise he would be called Ewar Woowar!

Q. What do you call someone who only drinks salt water?
A. Brine (Brian)

Q. What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
A. The juveniles!

Alternative definitions:
Impeccable - having immunity to woodpeckers.
Oboe - an ill woodwind that no one blows good.
Capitalism - the survival of the fattest.
Paradox - two physicians.
Court of law - the place where a suit is pressed and a man can be taken to the cleaners.

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SPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER

Pupil: "Please Sir! Did you hear that scientists have found life on another
planet?"
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Pupil: "They found fleas on Pluto!"

Q. What is an astronaut's favorite meal?
A. Launch

Q. Why does Moon rock taste better than Earth rock?
A. Because it's meteor.

Q. What's a Martian's normal eyesight?
A. 20-20-20

Q. How does a barber cut hair on the moon?
A. Eclipse it.

Two Martians were cruising through the solar system when they suddenly got the urge to try some Earth food. They had no local currency so decided to steal some Mars bars from the local shop. They furtively slipped into the shop while the shopkeeper wasn’t looking, nabbed the bars and slipped back out again.
"Stop! You never paid for those!" shouted the shopkeeper.
The aliens dropped the bars and beamed back up to the mothership.
Their mates were furious when they discovered they hasn’t brought any food back with them.
"What?" they goggled, "you couldn’t even take a few Mars bars from a shop without getting caught? What happened?"
"I don’t know how the shopkeeper saw us…" said one of the unsuccessful shoplifters, "She must have had eyes in the front of her head!"

Astonomer 1: ".....so anyway, the cop pulls me over and asks if I realized I had just run a redlight. So I said that I did not see the light as being red, because it must have blue-shifted as I was approaching it."
Astronomer 2: "And he let you go?"
Astronomer 1: "No. He gave me a speeding ticket instead."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.
"Watson," he says, "Look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes says: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

Q. What's ET short for?
A. Because he's got little legs.

Q. What did Neptune say to Saturn?
A. Give me a ring sometime.

Q. Why was the thirsty alien hanging around the computer?
A. He was looking for the space bar!

Two astrophysicists are discussing their research in a bar one evening when a drunk who has been sitting and listening in at the next seat turns and says, in a very worried voice, “What was that you just said? ” “We were discussion stellar evolution, and I said to my colleague here that the Sun would run out of nuclear fuel and turn into a red giant star in about 5 billion years, possibly melting the Earth. ” “Whew!” says the drunk, “You really had me worried. I thought you said 5 million. ”

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a croakful of old jokes

If you are a reader of the Planet Science Newsletter you'll know it zings off to the email list lunchtime Fridays – full of hot off the press science info, new Planet Science content alerts, science education news, competitions, general hilarity, activities and science history.

GULP!!

there are some symbols to guide you through the jokes in the collection:

site areas