a croakful of old jokes
If you are a reader of the Planet Science Newsletter you'll know it zings off to the email list lunchtime Fridays – full of hot off the press science info, new Planet Science content alerts, science education news, competitions, general hilarity, activities and science history.
If you are not signed up for it and all this sounds up your street, please do click here and join the thronging 16,500 or so people who already are. But beware, in every newsletter there is the thing we call a 'joke of the week'. And if Anne McNaught, the newsletter editor, is feeling very cruel and heartless, there may be more than one.
GULP!!
Some come from the world wide web, some from word of mouth, and some we have to blame on loyal but misguided newsletter readers who are only trying to help. After more than two years of newsletters we have a big bin full of these so-called 'jokes', and therefore it is time to unleash the least rubbish ones onto the site in the form of a collection. Of course they are meant to have a science theme to them, and some of them do. Some teachers have even said thanks because they use them in the classroom! Some of the jokes have a tenuous link to science about one micron thick and some of them, well, see what you think...
there are some symbols to guide you through the jokes in the collection:
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Joke set in a pub or bar | |
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Joke requiring specialized science knowledge (so there won’t be many of these icons) | |
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Slightly suggestive joke, Matron! | |
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A terrible groaner (as opposed to all the others which are just groaners) |
so without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen we are proud (what?) to present…
THE PLANET SCIENCE NEWSLETTER JOKE OF THE WEEK COLLECTION
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LET’S GET PHYSICAL FEEL THE FORCE OF PHYSICS… |
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LET’S GET CHEMICAL ANYTHING TO GET A REACTION |
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LET’S GET BIOLOGICAL NATURE UNDER THE MICROSCOPE |
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OI! YOU AT THE BACK! TEACHER JOKES |
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IT’S THE BEST MEDICINE DOCTOR AND THE MEDICAL JOKES |
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GET YOUR HEAD EXAMINED PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED JOKES |
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AAAAARGH! HORRIFYING SPECTACLES! |
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WHAT REMAINS OF A VERY OLD JOKE RARE SPECIMEN OF ARCHAEOLOGICAL HUMOUR |
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JUST LIKE THAT TOMMY COOPER JOKES – AND OTHERS IN HIS IMAGE |
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WHAT DOES THAT BUTTON THERE DO? TECHNOLOGY TURMOILS |
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NUMERICALLY CHALLENGED MATHS HUMOUR UNLEASHED |
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FESTIVE SPECIALS HO HO HO! |
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OTHER PROFESSIONS NOT SO CLEVER HUH? YOU DON’T HAVE BE MAD TO WORK HERE, BUT… |
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LIGHTBULBS THEY DO NEED CHANGING FREQUENTLY… |
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FIVE-LINE RHYMES LIMERICKS |
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LIMBERING UP FOR A LAUGH SPORTS HUMOUR |
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MAKE A MEAL OF IT FOOD + DRINK JOKES |
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HAPPY FAMILIES THE FAMILY THAT LAUGHS TOGETHER… GROANS TOGETHER |
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ANIMAL MAGIC ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL |
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GENIES JUST WHAT YOU’VE BEEN WISHING FOR |
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CHICKENS, CHICKENS EVERYWHERE… (AND OTHER Xs THAT CROSS Ys) |
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SCI-FI THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE |
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GREAT SCIENCE A NOBEL CAUSE |
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SURREAL AND SUPERB |
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THE FINAL FRONTIER YOU’LL FEEL SPACED-OUT, ALRIGHT! |
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THAT ROCKS, MAN STRIKING GOLD WITH GEOLOGY |
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SCIENTIFIC COLEMAN-BALLS QUITE LITERALLY OUT OF THIS WORLD |
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WANTED JOKES – DEAD OR ALIVE |
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GREAT BOOKS OF OUR TIME WOULD YOU ADAM AND EVE IT? |
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YOU’VE MET DOUG’ AND ‘PETE’ NOW MEET THEIR MATES |
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BEYOND OUR KEN COME ON KEN, GIVE IT BACK |
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MISCELLANEOUS JOKES WITH NO HOME |
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| THAT ROCKS, MAN Two geologists are on a field trip studying rock formations in Russia, and have arranged for a pilot to fly them into a area in the remote far north to collect some specimens. While they're there they identify six big rocks to take back to their lab for further analysis. |
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The pilot returns, as arranged, to pick them up, and they start loading everything into the plane. When the pilot sees the rocks however, he objects strenuously. "Those rocks are way too heavy,” he says, “the plane can only take four of them, so you'll have to leave two behind."
The geologists argue with the pilot, telling him that the year before, they collected six similar sized rocks and the pilot had allowed them to put all of them aboard. This plane is the exact same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permits them to put the whole lot onboard. But when they attempt to take off and leave the valley, the little plane can't carry the load and they have to make an emergency landing in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one geologist says to the other, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yeah, I think so," replies his colleague. "Must be about the same place where we had to make the emergency landing last year!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are busy with yet another complicated case. Suddenly Holmes drops down and seizes a chunk of limestone from the ground. "What is it Holmes?" asks Watson eagerly. Holmes turns and says, gravely "It's sedimentary dear Watson."
Our local football team played a cup match against a team whose pitch was made out of broken-up bricks. We won on aggregate.
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| SCIENTIFIC COLEMAN-BALLS Heard on tv, radio… and in real life. Talking about a Shakespeare play, possibly As You Like It: " .... Viola and her identical twin brother ..." In a football match " .... the top left-hand corner of the ball. " |
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Near the end of Le Mans this weekend
" .... and the sun has been shining for the whole of the 24 hours."
Janet Reid was driving her daughter westward after the Malibu fires, when the smoke in the sky made everything look surreal. "Ooh, Wendy, look at the sun," she told her daughter. "It looks like a big ball of fire."
The 3-year-old preschooler replied: "It is a big ball of fire."
Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:
"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"
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 WANTED $10,000 reward. Schroedinger's Cat. Dead or Alive WANTED Lord Kelvin Fee for collection: Absolute zero WANTED Hydrogen and Oxygen Combined (Not really, I just wanted to see your reaction...) WANTED Atoms Fee for collection: No charge WANTED Leaky Valve No pressure WANTED New web-based laboratory Virtually unused WANTED Breath fresheners Mint condition WANTED ' ' Reward $10,000 Invisibility Cloak |
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| GREAT BOOKS OF OUR TIME 'Is there life on Mars?' By Frank Lee Know 'Sealed Vessels' By Lydia Dessicator Self Defence by Flora Mugga |
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| Learn To Love Mushrooms & Become A Fun Guy by Michael O'Gee |
'Life beneath the Sea' By Chris Stations |
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| Continental Breakfasts by Roland Butter |
'Water-based Solutions' By Miss Sybil Lickwids |
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| 'Origin of the Universe' By L. F. A. Bang |
'The Force of Gravity' by Ivor Sawhead |
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| 'Haunted House' by Hugo First |
'Alexander Fleming: My Favourite Inventor' by Penny Sillin |
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| 'Falling Off a Cliff' by Eileen Dover |
"Learn To Love Mushrooms And Become a Fun Guy" by Michael O'Gee |
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| Decluttered by Anita Office |
Plunged into Darkness by Ophelia Wayout |
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| YOU’VE ALL HEARD OF ‘DOUG’ AND ‘PETE’ Meet some of their mates… Q. What do you call a man who lays on the floor? A. Matt.' Q. What do you call a man who lives on an oil rig? A. Derek |
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Q. What do you call a man who wears a paper bag on his head?
A. Russell
Q. What do you call a man who always agrees with you?
A. Roger
Q. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A. Cliff
Q. What do you call a man with a wooden head?
A. Edward
Q. What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
A. Edward Woodward
Q. What do you call a man who always makes his voice heard?
A. Mike
Q. What do you call a man who props up cars?
A. Jack
Q. What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
A. Warren
Q. What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
A. Reg
Q. What does his mum call him?
A. Our Reg
Q. What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?
A. Mac
Q. What do you call a man wearing three raincoats?
A. Max
Q. What do you call a woman standing at the end of a football field?
A. Annette
Q. What do you call a scientist with his fingers stuck in his ears?
A. Anything - he can't hear you.
Q. What do you call a woman with plenty of energy?
A. Jules (Joules)
Q. What do you call a woman with a digital display on her head?
A. Elsie Dee
Q. What do you call a lady essential to solving equations?
A. Constance
Q. What do you call a man in sandals?
A. Philip Flop
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| BEYOND OUR KEN "All of you who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand" A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. |
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The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
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MISCELLANEOUS
Q. What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
A. Stop going in circles and get to the point.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
He had a photographic memory. Unfortunately it was never developed!
It’s always good to use a bit of scientific reasoning…
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Q. What’s a Geologist’s favourite type of music?
A. Rock n Roll!
Q. What’s a Hydrogen Tester’s favourite type of music?
A. Pop!
Q. What’s the Transition Elements’ favourite type of music?
A. Heavy Metal!
Q. What’s Hydrochloric, Sulphuric and Nitric’s favourite type of music?
A. Acid House!
Q. What is a scientist’s favourite pop group?
A. The Physicist – ers
What is the natural law of zombies? Revival of the fittest.
Police were called to a kindergarten where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.
Tony Blair visits Glasgow hospital, and he's shown around. In one ward, one patient says to him, "My lurve is leek a rade rade rose..". The next patient says to him "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!". Tony says to his guide: "Psychiatric ward?". Guide says: "Nope. Serious Burns unit..."
While President Bush was visiting a primary school he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy".
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a flippin’ accident either".The Unjust Salary Theorem asserts that scientists can never earn as much as sales people. This theorem is proved as follows. Start by using the physics formula
Power = Work / Time
Now you probably have heard that Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Substitute these tautologies into the formula for power to obtain
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for Money, one finds
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Therefore, the less you know, the more you make.
Two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water.
"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."
So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water.
"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."
"Custard?" one of the blokes says to the other, "What kind of place is this?"
By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."
Hearing this, one of the blokes turns to the other and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.
Why was the T-Rex afraid to go to the library?
Because her books were 60 million years overdue.
The class went to a concert. Afterwards Fred asked the music teacher why members of the orchestra kept looking at a book while they played. "Those books are the score," replied the teacher. "Really?" replied Fred, "who was winning?"
Real Answers From Students:
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
Jack can't keep his heart rate down
And Jill’s got diabetes.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
But it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Mary had a little lamb,
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts shot up its nose,
and turned its wool to nylon.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up:
"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says, "I see hundreds of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."
A woman is walking through the train searching for a seat; finally she finds one and sits down. Opposite the woman is a man with a bag of seeds... and the man is eating the seeds one by one.
Curious, the woman asks: “Why are you eating seeds?”
“These aren't just seeds,” explains the man, this are seeds of the smart apple tree. When you eat these seeds you instantly become smarter.”
“WOW!” answers the woman. “Will you give me some?”
“GIVE? No way, but I will sell them at £25 each.”
The woman checks her purse, “Well that's a bit expensive, but I'll take four.” She hands over £100 and the man counts out four seeds. The woman eats the seeds immediately, and after swallowing them. She yells to the man....
“WAIT A SECOND, THESE AREN'T SMART SEEDS! THESE ARE JUST NORMAL APPLE SEEDS - I COULD HAVE BOUGHT THOUSANDS OF SEEDS WITH £100!”
Then the man calmly replies: “You see they are starting to work already”.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."
A chemist, a physicist and a statistician go hunting together. They see a bear, the chemist raises his gun and shoots – but the shot misses to the right by five meters. The physicist shoots too – his shot goes five meters to the left, and the statistician shouts “GOT HIM!”
An inflatable boy goes to an inflatable school and, while there, finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.
The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.
A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.
(This does get worse, you know...)
Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones:
"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'.
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'.
A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a country lane when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.
The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the bonnet, and saw the problem: a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.
As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.
“Yep,” he replied, “beep repaired!”
What's the difference between a Belgian Kiss and a French Kiss? Both the same, just the Belgian one has a some Phlegm. (Flem - geddit? Brings a whole new meaning to EU - Ed)
What happens when you fall in love with:
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (You get cheated on)
A Bin Collector? (You get dumped.)
A clockmaker? (You get Two Timed.)
A pastry cook? (She desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (You get let down.)
An artist? (You get the brush.)
A jogger? (They give you the run-around.)
A geologist....It's can be a bit rocky, but maybe the earth will move for you.
An astronomer....It's heavenly.
A chemist....You'll get a reaction.
A physicist....It won't be forced, but there will be a lot of energy.
An astrobiologist....Love makes the world go round and lots of other worlds too.
(From Mona Evans)
If you fall in love with a scientist…
He will experiment on you. (From Jaynish Mukesh age 12 years from Mumbai in India)
There’s chemistry there! (From Jenny Page)
Easy - the sparks fly! (From Samia Mazid)
Cuddle a Chemist and see the reaction
Chemists provide solutions
(Sandy Smith)
Things you would never have known without the movies:
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in them either.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him, “Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?”
The other fisherman replies, “If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, you will find a ton of hungry fish.”
They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, “Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty.”
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. “Nope. Still salty. ” Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again.
“Nope, still salty.” One hour later they check again. “Nope. Still salty. ”
“This isn't good,” one fisherman finally says. “We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
“I know,” says the other. “And the bucket is almost empty!”
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